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When I first got into RPGs, or at least when I was exposed more to them at university, I didn't really know the lay of the land. Decades later it turns out the style that was exerting most influence on the more established gamers I knew, the 'elder' gamers, had come from The Forge.
I didn't know what The Forge was. I have a vague idea of it now, but I really don't care about it, not at the moment. What I did know about RPGs, at the time, was they held a lot of promise. The elder gamers talked a lot about things like immersion, experiencing a world, emotional resonance, etc. They might not have used those exact words but it's what fully drew me into RPGs, the idea I would be able to experience those things.
I never did, not really.
Part of it was I was a moron (I still am, but I was then, too.) I didn't have the self-confidence or self-belief to really work for what I wanted in the games I played. I just rolled dice and grew more and more disenchanted that I wasn't getting what I was promised from my games.
I played with a regular group. A typical bunch of nerds. They kind-of agreed with wanting the same things I wanted from games, not as staunchly, though. They simply wanted to do nerd things, mostly. This was fine as a way of hanging around with buddies but less fine for fulfilling my needs from a hobby. And it's part of why I lost contact with these people; as I aged we wanted different things. There's no blame anywhere in this, it's just what happened, at least from my perspective. I still love them to bits.
One of the RPGs I'd played most before I went to university was Vampire the Masquerade. I really enjoyed it, it was closer to what I wanted to play than swinging swords. I did make an effort to get my friends to play Vampire Requiem. I managed to get them to agree to a one-shot, and I told them if they enjoyed it we could turn it into a campaign. I had worked my setting and the one-shot to be that way.
We played it one night. I thought it went well. The level of engagement in the group was higher than usual, people were faster to act without strategising and it seemed to come more from the player characters than it did from the players manoeuvring. The one shot I came up with was probably the best bit of creative work I'd done of any work for personal reasons, at least up to that point of time.
When the one-shot ended everyone sat in silence for a few seconds. Longer than a few seconds. Maybe a minute. This wasn't typical. I asked them if they enjoyed it, eventually. It was always asked by whoever had just GM'ed a game. The first person to speak up said, "That was really atmospheric." I didn't think it was particularly atmospheric, I'd just run a game, but I took his point well. Maybe I didn't really recognise the atmosphere because it was my game.
The next person to speak up said, "I actually felt scared!" It dawned on me I'd done what I wanted to do. Maybe not for me experiencing it but others had experienced what I felt games were about.
So I asked the question. "Do you want to play another session of this next week? I told you I can turn it into a campaign easily."
"Nah..." came the response.
I can't remember what I specifically thought at the time. I might have felt a little shock but if I'm being honest what I remember thinking, generally, was my game just wasn't good. This was what happened after all our games; half-hearted responses of affirmation to the GM after a session. "Yeah, that was fun. Good game." It was never the truth, I didn't think so anyway. The few times I'd tried to express my real thoughts the GM would get pissy, no matter how carefully I said it. Other people had similar reactions when they said things like that to the GM.
It was a good game, though. Thinking back on it now, with what I know and have learned about art, it was a fucking good game. Maybe someday I'll explain how it progressed and where the horror in it was. It was a fucking good game.
So maybe the players just didn't enjoy those styles of game, that's fine. No-one should do recreational things they don't enjoy (with exceptions.) Except thinking back, again, they did enjoy the game. They might not have consciously accepted it but their behaviour in the game showed it was, "something."
But I was a moron then (still am) and I think it's possible they were being honest in how they actually felt. Someone literally said, "I actually felt scared." He did feel scared. That's a lot to handle.
Which is the point of this winding narrative. People do not always like feeling things. They are not prepared for their nerdy hobby of swinging swords to make them feel things, especially not very real, human things. This is why Marvel is so successful.
For me a large part of countering this reaction is making a space for people to feel things and showing them it's OK to feel those things. This is what being human is. I shut down a lot of my feelings and am still working on the correct ways to experience and express them. It is an ongoing process of life; it is living.
Because I was a moron, dealing with my own shit badly (I still am) I didn't know how to get what I wanted from games. If someone had made me feel how my players felt during the game I ran I most likely would have shied away from it, or worse, I might have acted out and gotten pissy. I would have been scared of having been affected, despite wanting that feeling. (And I want to note that getting pissy is a valid reaction, not the best way of dealing with something but it is valid. Which you'll know if you understand this article.)
The key to games, especially RPGs, something I'm not sure gets talked about a lot when safety tools are mentioned, certainly not from the limited reading I've done, is they're not just to protect people against their 'triggers.' They're not about shutting things down, or off. They are tools that allow people to become emotionally invested in a game, or character, knowing if their emotions get too intense they still have control and can pull back.
Gaming is a safe space. If a piano falls on your character's head you do not die in the real world. Gaming is safe. It is also a safe space in the therapeutic sense, which, again, is something that gets misinterpreted. In this sense it is a safe space to engage with and deal with what's bothering you, not a space where nothing difficult will ever be encountered. It is a space where your health is prioritised so you have the ability to engage with therapy, or the game, or whatever.
Be sure I'm not saying gaming is therapy, although it can be therapeutic. Games and therapy use a lot of similar ideas due to their structure. Simply experiencing new settings and stories will allow you to feel things and think things you may not otherwise have thought. And gaming should be a space where everyone is on your side — the player's side if not the character's — and wants you to enjoy the game. This is a lot like therapy, therapy wants good things for you, except in therapy most people aren't pretending to be a werewolf. Most people...
It is OK to only want to roll dice and laugh with your friends... However, what I was missing was the emotional connection, a way to experience emotions safely, in a safe space. At some level I knew all of what I've written over a decade ago; I must have because it's what I wanted to do in my games. I didn't have the words for it and I hadn't theorised it out. I hadn't interrogated what I wanted and why I wanted it. Ironically enough this is something the games I wanted to play would have allowed for.
I have the words now. What I want is OK, and fine, and normal. Experiencing emotions is good. Being vulnerable is good. And when you're vulnerable you're taking a risk which is how you get great rewards and achieve great things. You are allowed to do that in games.